If you’re not watching the common wealth games opening ceremony, I wasn’t very interested either till a wild John Barrowman appeared dancing and singing on a truck, then proceeded to have a quick make out session with a guy dancer. He’s now dancing with tea cakes, a worm, taking selfies and in a purple suit. I don’t know what’s going on but I approve.
“Running around in the middle of the night chasing monsters is profoundly erotic, so sometimes I have to throw a saucy look. Hashtag Ichabbie.”— Sleepy Hollow's Tom Mison (Ichabod Crane), at the 2014 TCA press event (via hulu)
You have the illusion of “choice” at your local cinema this week. Which poorly reviewed release will appeal to you most? You could see Diaz and Segel’s Sex Tape and wonder why Hollywood is so perplexed by the cloud, but why would you do that? Don’t be self-abusive, we’re here to help. This is a safe space.
Oh, God, no, you’ve got a ticket to The Purge: Anarchy, too? Sure, that’s your best choice for a wide release this week, but RT still summarizes it as “never as smart or resonant as it tries to be.”
If you’ve got kids, we guess you could go see Planes: Fire and Rescue, the sequel to not-even-a-year-old Planes. RT calls it “flat and formulaic,” though, and shouldn’t we be teaching our children to aspire for more? Dane Cook stars in it, for God’s sake. Pop culture was done with him years ago. The final wide release is Persecuted, which does not have a single positive review. Ban wide releases.
The real take away from this article is that you don’t have to go to the theater this weekend to see a good movie, because there’s so much available on demand or streaming. In fact, if you want to see a good movie, don’t go to the theater, because the films releasing this weekend are all shit.
Alternatively, ignore your local megaplex and seek out an independent theater in your area. Mine (FilmScene in Iowa City, IA) will be showing Snowpiercer, Obvious Child, and Life Itself this weekend.